Perseverance...A forgotten value

I was thinking how important it is adjusting with your loved ones in any relationship. There is no count and you cannot gauge how much you should adjust or how much you have adjusted for each other.

If you think you can gauge and compare how much you are adjusting then you should probably go and think over because you cannot count love, affection and emotions. This also means you still have long way to go to accept for who they really are or for them to accept of who you are.

If there are discussions on who should adjust, why should you adjust and why not the other! This only leaves the fact that, you still have not given your 100 percent yet.

To know how mothers can answer this question of adjusting/patience in their words considering they bear us in there womb for 9 months and literally bear all the nonsense we create till we attain our conscience. I went and asked my mom, why should she adjust with me during our childhood when I annoyed her, literally troubled her, I am sure the answer would surprise!\

This is what I heard from my mother

“You were child, you did not know what you are doing, you were annoying but yet you are ignorant, since I know you for what you are and I know for the fact that I have to learn your way of what you want, I learned my ways. When you cry I know either you are hungry, or uneasy with your wet panties, or due to your bad stomach or something might have bit you, or because you need air, or other new thing which I may not have known too!”

I asked my mom, if she ever felt so frustrated when I was a child,

“Of course she said without hesitation, if your single cry means so many things imagine what I should do to get the right guess to stop you crying. Sometimes your cry means a total new thing in my list, for e.g. you cried so much because radio was switched off. I could not even figure out that till sometime which used to frustrate me of how to keep you off from crying.”

I smiled and asked did you feel like abandoning me, when you felt frustrated?

“She smiled and replied, why should I abandon you? Just because I don’t know how to keep you calm? Or I don’t know how to keep you happy? It is my inefficiency to learn what you are conveying, and it’s your efficiency to convey in the forms or emotions you know then which is crying and smiling and sometimes dancing.

I feel frustrated when I could not understand or give what you wanted but I know how to work my ways out. You like being outside of home, so if I did not know and cannot stop you cry! I used to take you out and point you to trees or birds, and you used to go calm and fall sleep in my arms after the exhaustion you attained from your everlasting crying session

And if every mother abandons her child when they feel frustrated or annoyed! There will be entire universe of orphans my dear! That is why they say a women has patience like dharani (earth)”

I had no more questions after that to her. And I was thinking, if one of the partner clearly knows what is other ones weakness then he/she should have patience to bear it, this is not adjusting this is love itself.

No one is perfect just like a child (who does not know your language, does not know what he thinks or wants), you need to know what he/she wants and work towards for a happy relationship.

When our mothers gave birth to us, they for sure had no clue what their kids might turn one day, a lawyer or a criminal, a police or a thief, a designer or an architect , they had no exact plans for us before they brought us in this world. 

They had only one thing “HOPE” that their kid will one day outshine, be a leader and change this world. They with that hope trusted us to become better individuals, helped us in each step of our life helping us achieve our dreams and not theirs!

This very thing holds true to any relationship, you cannot obtain guarantee for relation to last or person to make you happy for ever or never hurt you! If everyone can be control freak, this world would have been the best place! But that’s not how humans are, we are swamped with emotions!

I listen my friend’s say, dude I am not sure if I can trust her, she may leave me one day and go away!

I only reply saying “You think she will leave you, so you cannot trust her!  Or you cannot trust so she will leave you?” it’s not rhetorical but, you cannot leave someone you love, same way you cannot have doubts if you trust someone! It is not situation based! Cause trust and love once established cannot be erased, they are like engraving on a stone! They last forever once engraved! But to engrave it, takes time! So give time to have those marks made in your relationship, which never can get erased with any thing else.

I think everyone should understand or give it a thought that if someone says they love you so much and you believe and know you love each other so much, you should also be cognizant of the fact that you also love their sadness, love their shortcomings, love every emotion of theirs! There is no filter on what you can and what you cannot for such thing only creates confusion and dismay!

So love them in and out, trust them in and out, have hope more than ever! These three pillars are something which our own mothers taught us even before we were born, by bearing us in their womb for 9 months with love, trust and hope!

Dedicated to all the wonderful beings out there who are in love...…..

Baby Howard… A lost puppy? Or a lost owner?!

Most of my blogs I have written so far involve lot of fiction, this one is special. Whatever you read in this blog is based on true incident in my life which happened on 30-Aug-2016. The moral I have written is just based on my experiences in life so that section is open to your interpretation.

It was a long day at work, with nonstop meetings, fighting’s within the board, indifference's between people, blame games, self-bluster etc.! I am sick of all this I told to myself and very soon I will have my own small scale business where employees will be eager to wake up and come to work and not be in dismay of how the day is going to be.

Finally almost at the end of workday, I get to close my laptop and get ready to catch train back to home at 4.00 PM PST and at the very instance, I got a call saying there was some issue with the sign off procedures so I had to sit and see (debug) what was wrong with the software. After beating up for almost 40 minutes, we observed the issue was with upstream systems (someone who is sitting above us and sending some information to us for our processing) and we were okay.  After we confirmed this, I did not think a moment but just shut the laptop. I have not even got a chance to charge my cell phone which was almost dead since past night. So I picked up charger from my desk and started off to LA Union station.

Luckily I got a seat near charging point and hooked up my cell to charger and sat down to sleep and relax. Couple of minutes later, I got a call, it was from my brother Kiran. He asked if the plan is confirmed of me arriving to Saint Louis, I said yes, in low energy, he asked I sound like a donkey beaten to death, I laughed and said my mood is not good. He cheered me up with our funny talk and he reminded me to bring Tennis racket, I smiled and said yes. It has been almost 2 years we played tennis together.

Later, I had a small nap with billions of thoughts and reached home. The moment I was getting out of my car, I saw a Chihuahua puppy on the road wandering, I saw around, in search of the owner but I saw no one. I understood it was a pet dog, as I can see a cute little pink scarf and a bone pendant hanging around its neck. I was not hesitant to pet him, unsure if he is safer, all I knew at that moment was, I could not see this puppy alone! That is me. So I softly whistled looking at it, with hand gestures, it stopped, looked at me, my body language was so composed so that it would not get scared and run away.

It finally ran towards me, I just stood intact with not even a slightest motion in my body what so ever, I gave it time to adapt, it scented me, all over my shoes and pants and when I bent knees, it jumped on to me with joy, raising its two feet up! I looked at its eyes, they are filled with innocence, fear, love, help and worry! It was such a wonderful feeling to be loved from a stranger whom I know for few seconds when I showed that assurance of love and care to it. While I was trying to check how should I return it to its rightful owner! The girl (Mira) from my neighbor’s apartment came out to play and asked if it was my dog, I said no, it is lost! I just saw him. She said oh, it is so sweet and she started petting him too. I asked her if she knew of anyone who she might think this little guy belongs to, she said in confused voice, no. But then she was smart than me I felt, she turned the pendant to see if there was a name tag or something on pendant. And there it was the little guys name is Howard, and there was a cell number below his name.

I tried calling that number but no one picked the call after calling twice, Mira held the puppy while I was calling, as I was attempting another call, Mira’s parents stepped out from their home to know what was happening. While I was trying to reach the number another time, Mira’s mom asked me are they picking up the call, I said no, I am trying another time! She did not hesitate at least out of humanity but forced Mira to handover dog to me and get in her home. I felt so bad, it is a dog who is lost, trying to find its owner and she was not even a pinch sad about that! I said humans are fools! The only kind who hurt each other, and kill each other are the humans! I decided to move from that place.

I took Howard from Mira in my Arms and took into my apartment. Little dude was roaming all over the place, I know clearly he was searching for his owner. I kept some milk for him to drink but it did not even touch it. So I took into my arms to reduce its fear and pampered it. Finally I get the call from the owner back, she was in the shower and her husband forgot to close the door properly and that’s how poor little Howard was lost!

I went to handover Howard to his rightful owner, she had some plaster around her feet. I did not expect her to come to me to take the dog considering her situation, so I went close to her and gave it to her. She was so worried for him, I could see it, for that fraction of second, she held him tight, hugged him, kissed him, she even forgot to say thanks to me that moment! And later when I said bye! She is like sorry for the trouble, Howard is a well behaved dog, I don’t know why he stepped out of home, I think he learnt his lesson now! But thanks to you to bring him back to me! And she bid farewell.

Moral: Sometimes our thoughts & emotions are just like Howard, they don’t have direction when they are let free to do what they want to do, and we lose our cared and loved ones in this process. We may still wander to find our way back, sometimes we get so lucky that who help us reach our homes back but not all are lucky! My parents used to say, we never know the value of our loved ones when you are around but when they are gone, you realize what you missed! That is very true I thought. For all those beautiful humans in this world, do not ever lose your loved ones! Care for them do not give up so easily

Distance matters!

It is a bright sunny day in California, cant expect a snow fall can I? So let us live with the heat waves in summer with my Gogs on!

Like any other day had a fantastic time at office.

Trying to explain to my clients what he wants ;) towards what he feels he wants. Explaining my team members to align their thoughts of what client feels he wants, to what he wants. Ensuring the team does what client wants and not land up doing, what they think client wants.

Attending tons of calls where the outcome could be as productive in 5minutes, to meetings which run for hours and not sure what I have to take with me as an action item!
Sitting in a conference room on 23 floor with team and enjoying the view of Los Angeles down town after our meeting. Jumping from the seat to view the parade's that was happening on the hope street opposite to our clients office!

Eagerly waiting to fetch my lunch and yet worried, if the "India Jones" food truck to show up. Wow the frankies are delicious at this place.

Well and sending some final emails! to wind up and catch Metrolink train of San Bernardino to my home Covina.

Sitting in a quite car to catch some sleep and looking at this chinese dude with his gogs on to save himself from the distraction caused due to bright sun light, with samsung ear buds in his ears and a navy blue polo shirt. He has half opened eyes which are visibe from his gogs and a full opened mouth, where a small sized indian laddu can fit in!

And there is a pretty brown eyed girl making an eye contact whenever i raise my head, who is exactly sitting diagonally to me! She was in her own fantasy land, probably a college girl! She was reading the book "Burned", interesting title I thought and slowly went to sleep.

Out of this day of funny, eventful, productive journey, I reach my station where the conductor announces " Your next stop is Covina. If this is your destination please use handles while moving through the train and watch your step". I wake up in a hurry from my half sleep head and tried to move through the train without using handles and suddenly train jerks off! and i was about to break my face bumping into the floor steps but an elderly women held my hand, I smiled with embarrassment and said thanks. I exited the car and there they are these two families which catch my eye all the time.

A guy who waits to pick up his girl friend and they hug each other daily as if they were distanced for a life time.
I see same emotion daily in the girls eyes, but the guy is very composed! but he is expressive i felt, I hear him saying "How was your day honey" and they leave while talking.
I see this couple daily since past 8 months. I used to feel that gap! that i never felt in India! i always had someone waiting for me, wanting to hug me, just give a glass of water and say! you look so happy/tired and you should take a break! How lucky should we be, to be in

person for those whom we love and who love us.

While I was thinking, the cute little fellow barked at me, his name is Tom, he is the pet of two elderly couple, who come to pick up their grand daughter every Friday. I petted Tom once asking their permission, from then on it recognizes me.

At least the cute little tom makes me feel that I should catch train on time to be back home! It gives me that drive to make it on time to station to see Tom and that couple!

Sometimes I wonder what these emotions mean to humans? How they define,defy, our world and others.

I remembered one thing from my chemistry class, for two atoms to form a compound should be in vicinity and with a valency on each atom to exchange the electrons to make each other stable! One such interesting mechanism where this process of bonding happens is called Co-ordinate covalent bond.

There is something we can always learn from nature I felt, may be humans should know and realize how each other can complement their lives in a relationship! Then that bonding is not susceptible to any external factors.

Do you know how your partner complements your life?

I feel like a loser!

I was thinking seriously today! What am I doing with my life? I fought with life to pursuit happiness and now when I am supposed to be happy, I am getting sadder than ever because of my new relationship, looks like history is repeating itself. I was trying to understand if the problem is with me or the two girls I met so far. As they are acting so alike in spite of me giving my 100% in love.

Though, I know clearly two girls I met are totally different but i feel strongly sometimes they share same trends. One has inbuilt issues and one had it added explicitly after her bad experiences.

So I thought I will talk to my colleague Emily who sits adjacent to me at work, not that I could get some advice but I know she will give her examples and explain what she did in that place, so that I know my understanding of girls was right.

So I explained what I was going through!

I started, “I need to talk about my personal issue, is it ok if I do? She is like Haaree! (That’s how she calls me) you can always talk to me. I went along saying, I have known my girlfriend past 2years. She had a very bad past experience and so did I with our ex’s. We went along well initially but as we got closer and into each other’s personal space, we have been fighting for small things which did not make any sense!

As that is what, which panics me, and that incident of getting into arguments, I got over with from my past life, but she reminds me every moment she argues with me saying that. She/we could make her point and listen to my/our version and agree to end it there and talk something else. It never ends like that between us.

And we argue so much for that proving who is right and wrong! She tries to co relate, compare everything with her ex and she expects me to give that assurance it won’t happen! Or I have to prove that it is going to be different with me and we can work together! That slowly made me remember my past a several times too! Though I got over it.

I want to get married to her after she gets her stuff in place, but I never heard from her that she wants to get married & have a settled life with me, from her mouth not even once when we are talking, but I was expecting one day it would but the hope is getting faded slowly every time we fight.

I cannot be in a relationship which is short term that is not me, I invest my heart and blood to make it work in relation. If I don’t get back that assurance, it may not work with me.

Every time I had to assure, it is going to be alright with me, history won’t repeat with me! But it does not work, I fail all the time. And I do not understand if she feels that history is repeating for me too but I am trying to fix it!

I yell at her, that’s my weakness and I argue till I feel she gets my point especially when I know I am right. I think from third person’s perspective but I never felt, she ever thinks from a third person perspective nor she makes effort to ask right questions! She thinks from her perspective what is right and wrong and sticks to it”

And I ended. 

Emily started, may be you met two girls with same personality? But one who loves you and one does not ? Did you ever think this and she kept talking 

First thing, I am surprised to hear you argue! From what I have known you! I get how much stress you are going through! She asked is that why I left Tennessee all of sudden? I said yes, smiling.

She cleared one point very upfront, if you are arguing that means you do not value each other opinions! And you do not trust each other or love each other yet! But that’s me, that’s how I would look at.

Not just her, even you! And I am surprised to see two mature adults fighting on some most insignificant topics.

She went saying, I was in same situation earlier, I had a bad experiences in my past with my partners and it took so much time to get over with that, I used to date guys thinking I will find a better person than him, who can love me the way I am, but we never had arguments we just had differences and we discussed and we moved over when we know we cannot change, but I kept dating couple of other guys who I thought were perfect, but we landed up having differences anyways still and I felt the love was fading and we broke up.

After few relations I understood the value of those who loved me so much during my dating but I was selfish I could not love them back! All I did was take their love and expect them to change as per my terms as I never got over my past! Which was totally foolish of me.

In a relationship the partner should know how to love each other for what they are, if there are huge differences that cannot be sorted out, that can never be worked on and not work on long run. Until one is totally passive! which I dont think you both are!

But also know love is not just one thing, know how to forgive each other, we all fight for some silly stuff which never makes sense cause of our ego, selfishness and arrogant attitude at that time, but after sometime you feel, you fought for such a small thing. You should know how to forgive each other!

She continued, I realized that I never got rid of my first bad experience completely, so I always compared and gauged, the best people I met and expected them to fit to my criteria for happy and perfect love. Love is not limited to you, I understood this fact late! And it should be from both sides. 

If you are madly in love with each other, your differences never surface! Before love everything else looks so small.

You cannot persuade her before she gets her things straight, she needs to understand that. You cannot pour your things into her life which already is filled with past memories! She needs to empty it! If she tries to take it forcefully! it will only make things worse! Which I think is happening in your case.

Differences are bound to happen, now that does not mean you keep him/her hurting her/him and still expect the love to grow strong between you, as that does not make sense either, cause you have your own identity. And when you realize you hurt enough you avoid it! Just as you wanted to do, of stop talking to her forever! cause you lost hope this will work! Understand her what she wants, what she expects out of you! clearly.

I told her this is what we discussed in Tennessee and I came back! And she was like hmmm!!! 

And continued...

When you are fighting all time, long term it does not work, especially since you want to share rest of your life with her. But that’s just my opinion. I cannot invest so much time and effort for which I don’t think where it leads to and long relationship is a different ball game! You need more effort to make it work! And both of you should understand this.

And one last thing, as they say we do not realize the person’s value until he is gone but I say you always know the value but you are too blindfolded with your selfishness to let it go (this is what happened with me and my ex, she left me for money, her selfishness and arrogance)

When I asked how did you know, when you are ready to accept Joseph?

When I realized the truth I did not get over my past, I gave some time for myself I kept myself busy with work, met orphans to know what understanding, adjusting in love means. She got carried away here, she said we are so fools sometimes I feel, there are people who do not get love and we are one kind who ignore the people whom we love and run for betterment. Any ways I also got involved in masses and congregations at my church she continued.

That is when I met Joseph. I felt he loved me and accepted me what I am, that feeling is important, he was upfront and clear on what he wanted and expected out of me but he never forced me to fit all his expectations. But most importantly I got over my past! I was new individual when I met Joseph! Even though I feel this is something which repeated from my past I take it from a fresh look!

She asked me do you remember you mentioned you always start your day fresh! That’s how I started with Joseph!

I asked, do you fight now? Just like you did with your ex’s

We fight even now but it is not those harsh ones like my ex’s, we fight for turns in cooking, cleaning tom’s(Chihuahua) feces, going to their parents or mine on weekend! My friends felt we are made for each other! Reality is we made each other in love!

She closed the discussion with few questions.

How many times you met, so far, she asked!

I said 6 times (counted in my mind Vegas, California-Yosemite, Tennessee), she thought we met six times past 2 years. She smiled and said! How many times you fought may be 6 times where we both got hurt equally!

Are you sure she loves you, she asked?

I said she does! I feel it

Did you ever feel change in her attitude in spite of your inputs!

I do not know.  I just blindly love her, but I felt few times she does repeat same things, she knows I don’t like arguments and I go angry! But without her conscience she brings all these past examples which annoy me sometimes!

She took a big hmmm! And said I think you should just take your time Haareee! sometimes you feel you love each other! persons in madly love can never hurt each other!

Ask her what is her plan? What is she thinking about both of you down the line?

I only can talk as a third person here based on few in puts you gave! But you know what is best considering your situation and she ended.

One thing I understood, based on this, I need to know her plan! As I always wanted to! I don’t want to invest so much time and effort! Fighting with her to show I love her and make her feel things will be fantastic. Cause that is not going to happen in real world.

If we cannot figure out our differences, what life we shall have long term either marriage or no marriage is a different thing but there is no confidence carried in this relations this way.

It has been 6 months we have been talking to each other! And all I could remember strongly is how many time I got hurt (because of either of our foolishness) more than how many times I kissed her!

Getting back to India

I will be completing my 6 years in USA in a years time! I was thinking what should I write about my experiences, the culture, the life in so called land of free country!
But unknowingly we started to share our thoughts on this very same topic and he suggested this entry from one of the bloggers, which was very interesting.

I would follow my experiences with facts in upcoming blog!
Till then enjoy reading this blog

http://sangeethamenon.freeservers.com/indian/India-Experience.htm

Ethics

Being in love was magic I heard! But I never felt it. Cause every moment of life, I was always on the other side where I was only giving.

The only two persons in this world who loved back for what I am were my parents. I never thought no one could ever love me in return, I know I cannot expect my partner to love me as they do. Parents love and Partners love are always different. I knew the difference very well, but I never felt it till one day!

That day is today! 22 of July 2016.

To be honest, I do not know how do I start, or If i can complete this blog. As I was never so happy!!! And my eyes are wet.

I felt like being with her that very moment! Hug her, kiss her and cuddle and sleep by her, looking at her the way I do, for the entire weekend, but this distance !!! ufff!!!

Exactly a day before, I and my lover had an argument on a very silly thing, part of which was my fault.

I never ask professional favors in personal life, but that day I broke my rule and felt like asking a professional favor, maybe I always took her granted and felt she was my partner already! Or very close friend! So I was comfortable breaking my rules.

But I lied to her while asking the favor, saying the favor was for my friend and not for myself cause, I did not want her to know for multiple reasons, one if she knows she is helping me she might take it little personally and help push it harder which I did not want to happen. Secondly I do not want her to know that I may quit my current stable job and move to uncertain contracting which is a horrible past experience. For me, all that mattered was being with her as long as I can. 

So for these reasons, I want to keep it secret and I asked her managers id directly! I thought she might have told him, that I would send my resume directly to him. But I took for granted that his manager is comfortable taking resumes for external email ids with little introduction from her side. Either way! This gap lead to a strong argument where she was trying to teach me ethics!

That is when I went crazy! I am a project manager myself and I thought why is she has to tell me about ethics! She could have told what was supposed to be done. Cause I ask my friends directly to send resumes to me if there are opportunities. And I was very particular to draw a line saying "Savitri, this is professional favor" to ensure she does not mix personal life in that.

But the things went really wrong when she quoted the example from my past which I barely remembered and that was not necessary that point! We clearly discussed all this when we met in person that we will not talk or bring anything from the initial days when we were in love. As all the decisions, actions were so immature.

I told her that was not necessary and we ended conversation, but I was so much disturbed, I could not concentrate on my interview preparation next day! So I thought, the best thing to do is focus on my career and avoid any emotions which would impact my plan. I worked out in gym, than usual to get over that disturbance and was so tired. So I decided, we need time, we should just stop talking to each other! Till at least I know what my plan looks like!

And I left her voice mail and switched off cell as usual, the only thing I knew best and the only way to reduce my anger. I know, I will be normal again next day! But I have a weakness too, if someone is in person with me, I get melted by a hug or kiss! But as usual due to distance between us, that was not possible. I went to bed with these thoughts, to start a fresh day the next morning.

I woke up, looked eagerly at my voice mail, as she has this unique style of leaving long voice messages! Realizing there are none, I thought she felt very bad. Did not want to disturb her peace early morning, so left office by listening to her favorite "Telusa Telusa" song! I listened that song entire day in repeat mode! I realized I forgot to check WhatsApp messages. And I checked around noon as was in a war room with my managers first whole day. I left her text, she read it, but no reply! I waited looked back no reply!

I thought I will call her the moment I leave home! And on my way back too, I stopped my car and adjusted my cars Bluetooth which had some issues, so that I can listen to her favorite song. I reached home, I stepped out of car and there is little kid who was asking me if I need leather couch with her mother beside him, I thought she must have asked his son to initiate conversation! I laughed to self and thought I am leaving to India in few months! What do I do with my own furniture! And replied politely, no thanks with a smile and left to my room. I saw some green balloons! I thought some kids might have played with it and might have came over.

When I reached my door steps, 

This was there! As shown in picture!

I guessed it was Savitr’s act! But I was curious and read the note! As my roomie also has a girlfriend. And it was addressed Abhi Singh :)

I was feeling bad just this morning, I will miss my mustang when I go to India. But this gift! I have no words!

Words can be harsh, but gestures and actions speak even more! That day I realized, there is another person in this world who loves me! I felt I could climb Mount Everest now with her support!

Thanks to all those wonderful lovers in the world who made into history! I would one day want to know the entire world! In spite of all the differences and the horrible past we carry with each other! We still can be happy!

This memory now got added to my core memory as the happiest joyful moment when I saw this surprise combined with sadness that I miss her along with anger that we are far away and fear that, what if I had to leave her and go even farther?

For what all it may! I love you Savitr! I always did!

But I am scared just as you are! But I know for what little we know about each other we still can be happy together! We already know enough about each other! That "WE BOTH CARE FOR EACH OTHER".