I feel like a loser!

I was thinking seriously today! What am I doing with my life? I fought with life to pursuit happiness and now when I am supposed to be happy, I am getting sadder than ever because of my new relationship, looks like history is repeating itself. I was trying to understand if the problem is with me or the two girls I met so far. As they are acting so alike in spite of me giving my 100% in love.

Though, I know clearly two girls I met are totally different but i feel strongly sometimes they share same trends. One has inbuilt issues and one had it added explicitly after her bad experiences.

So I thought I will talk to my colleague Emily who sits adjacent to me at work, not that I could get some advice but I know she will give her examples and explain what she did in that place, so that I know my understanding of girls was right.

So I explained what I was going through!

I started, “I need to talk about my personal issue, is it ok if I do? She is like Haaree! (That’s how she calls me) you can always talk to me. I went along saying, I have known my girlfriend past 2years. She had a very bad past experience and so did I with our ex’s. We went along well initially but as we got closer and into each other’s personal space, we have been fighting for small things which did not make any sense!

As that is what, which panics me, and that incident of getting into arguments, I got over with from my past life, but she reminds me every moment she argues with me saying that. She/we could make her point and listen to my/our version and agree to end it there and talk something else. It never ends like that between us.

And we argue so much for that proving who is right and wrong! She tries to co relate, compare everything with her ex and she expects me to give that assurance it won’t happen! Or I have to prove that it is going to be different with me and we can work together! That slowly made me remember my past a several times too! Though I got over it.

I want to get married to her after she gets her stuff in place, but I never heard from her that she wants to get married & have a settled life with me, from her mouth not even once when we are talking, but I was expecting one day it would but the hope is getting faded slowly every time we fight.

I cannot be in a relationship which is short term that is not me, I invest my heart and blood to make it work in relation. If I don’t get back that assurance, it may not work with me.

Every time I had to assure, it is going to be alright with me, history won’t repeat with me! But it does not work, I fail all the time. And I do not understand if she feels that history is repeating for me too but I am trying to fix it!

I yell at her, that’s my weakness and I argue till I feel she gets my point especially when I know I am right. I think from third person’s perspective but I never felt, she ever thinks from a third person perspective nor she makes effort to ask right questions! She thinks from her perspective what is right and wrong and sticks to it”

And I ended. 

Emily started, may be you met two girls with same personality? But one who loves you and one does not ? Did you ever think this and she kept talking 

First thing, I am surprised to hear you argue! From what I have known you! I get how much stress you are going through! She asked is that why I left Tennessee all of sudden? I said yes, smiling.

She cleared one point very upfront, if you are arguing that means you do not value each other opinions! And you do not trust each other or love each other yet! But that’s me, that’s how I would look at.

Not just her, even you! And I am surprised to see two mature adults fighting on some most insignificant topics.

She went saying, I was in same situation earlier, I had a bad experiences in my past with my partners and it took so much time to get over with that, I used to date guys thinking I will find a better person than him, who can love me the way I am, but we never had arguments we just had differences and we discussed and we moved over when we know we cannot change, but I kept dating couple of other guys who I thought were perfect, but we landed up having differences anyways still and I felt the love was fading and we broke up.

After few relations I understood the value of those who loved me so much during my dating but I was selfish I could not love them back! All I did was take their love and expect them to change as per my terms as I never got over my past! Which was totally foolish of me.

In a relationship the partner should know how to love each other for what they are, if there are huge differences that cannot be sorted out, that can never be worked on and not work on long run. Until one is totally passive! which I dont think you both are!

But also know love is not just one thing, know how to forgive each other, we all fight for some silly stuff which never makes sense cause of our ego, selfishness and arrogant attitude at that time, but after sometime you feel, you fought for such a small thing. You should know how to forgive each other!

She continued, I realized that I never got rid of my first bad experience completely, so I always compared and gauged, the best people I met and expected them to fit to my criteria for happy and perfect love. Love is not limited to you, I understood this fact late! And it should be from both sides. 

If you are madly in love with each other, your differences never surface! Before love everything else looks so small.

You cannot persuade her before she gets her things straight, she needs to understand that. You cannot pour your things into her life which already is filled with past memories! She needs to empty it! If she tries to take it forcefully! it will only make things worse! Which I think is happening in your case.

Differences are bound to happen, now that does not mean you keep him/her hurting her/him and still expect the love to grow strong between you, as that does not make sense either, cause you have your own identity. And when you realize you hurt enough you avoid it! Just as you wanted to do, of stop talking to her forever! cause you lost hope this will work! Understand her what she wants, what she expects out of you! clearly.

I told her this is what we discussed in Tennessee and I came back! And she was like hmmm!!! 

And continued...

When you are fighting all time, long term it does not work, especially since you want to share rest of your life with her. But that’s just my opinion. I cannot invest so much time and effort for which I don’t think where it leads to and long relationship is a different ball game! You need more effort to make it work! And both of you should understand this.

And one last thing, as they say we do not realize the person’s value until he is gone but I say you always know the value but you are too blindfolded with your selfishness to let it go (this is what happened with me and my ex, she left me for money, her selfishness and arrogance)

When I asked how did you know, when you are ready to accept Joseph?

When I realized the truth I did not get over my past, I gave some time for myself I kept myself busy with work, met orphans to know what understanding, adjusting in love means. She got carried away here, she said we are so fools sometimes I feel, there are people who do not get love and we are one kind who ignore the people whom we love and run for betterment. Any ways I also got involved in masses and congregations at my church she continued.

That is when I met Joseph. I felt he loved me and accepted me what I am, that feeling is important, he was upfront and clear on what he wanted and expected out of me but he never forced me to fit all his expectations. But most importantly I got over my past! I was new individual when I met Joseph! Even though I feel this is something which repeated from my past I take it from a fresh look!

She asked me do you remember you mentioned you always start your day fresh! That’s how I started with Joseph!

I asked, do you fight now? Just like you did with your ex’s

We fight even now but it is not those harsh ones like my ex’s, we fight for turns in cooking, cleaning tom’s(Chihuahua) feces, going to their parents or mine on weekend! My friends felt we are made for each other! Reality is we made each other in love!

She closed the discussion with few questions.

How many times you met, so far, she asked!

I said 6 times (counted in my mind Vegas, California-Yosemite, Tennessee), she thought we met six times past 2 years. She smiled and said! How many times you fought may be 6 times where we both got hurt equally!

Are you sure she loves you, she asked?

I said she does! I feel it

Did you ever feel change in her attitude in spite of your inputs!

I do not know.  I just blindly love her, but I felt few times she does repeat same things, she knows I don’t like arguments and I go angry! But without her conscience she brings all these past examples which annoy me sometimes!

She took a big hmmm! And said I think you should just take your time Haareee! sometimes you feel you love each other! persons in madly love can never hurt each other!

Ask her what is her plan? What is she thinking about both of you down the line?

I only can talk as a third person here based on few in puts you gave! But you know what is best considering your situation and she ended.

One thing I understood, based on this, I need to know her plan! As I always wanted to! I don’t want to invest so much time and effort! Fighting with her to show I love her and make her feel things will be fantastic. Cause that is not going to happen in real world.

If we cannot figure out our differences, what life we shall have long term either marriage or no marriage is a different thing but there is no confidence carried in this relations this way.

It has been 6 months we have been talking to each other! And all I could remember strongly is how many time I got hurt (because of either of our foolishness) more than how many times I kissed her!