I was thinking seriously today! What am I doing with my
life? I fought with life to pursuit happiness and now when I am supposed to be
happy, I am getting sadder than ever because of my new relationship, looks like
history is repeating itself. I was trying to understand if the problem is with
me or the two girls I met so far. As they are acting so alike in spite of me
giving my 100% in love.
Though, I know clearly two girls I met are totally different but i feel strongly sometimes they share same trends. One has inbuilt issues and one had it added explicitly after
her bad experiences.
So I thought I will talk to my colleague Emily who sits
adjacent to me at work, not that I could get some advice but I know she will
give her examples and explain what she did in that place, so that I know my understanding
of girls was right.
So I explained what I was going through!
I started, “I need to talk about my personal issue, is it ok
if I do? She is like Haaree! (That’s how she calls me) you can always talk to
me. I went along saying, I have known my girlfriend past 2years. She had a very
bad past experience and so did I with our ex’s. We went along well initially
but as we got closer and into each other’s personal space, we have been
fighting for small things which did not make any sense!
As that is what, which panics me, and that incident of getting
into arguments, I got over with from my past life, but she reminds me every
moment she argues with me saying that. She/we could make her point and listen
to my/our version and agree to end it there and talk something else. It never ends
like that between us.
And we argue so much for that proving who is right and
wrong! She tries to co relate, compare everything with her ex and she expects me
to give that assurance it won’t happen! Or I have to prove that it is going to
be different with me and we can work together! That slowly made me remember my
past a several times too! Though I got over it.
I want to get married to her after she gets her stuff in place,
but I never heard from her that she wants to get married & have a settled
life with me, from her mouth not even once when we are talking, but I was
expecting one day it would but the hope is getting faded slowly every time we
fight.
I cannot be in a relationship which is short term that is
not me, I invest my heart and blood to make it work in relation. If I don’t get
back that assurance, it may not work with me.
Every time I had to assure, it is going to be alright with
me, history won’t repeat with me! But it does not work, I fail all the time.
And I do not understand if she feels that history is repeating for me too but I
am trying to fix it!
I yell at her, that’s my weakness and I argue till I feel she
gets my point especially when I know I am right. I think from third person’s
perspective but I never felt, she ever thinks from a third person perspective
nor she makes effort to ask right questions! She thinks from her perspective
what is right and wrong and sticks to it”
And I ended.
Emily
started, may be you met two girls with same personality? But one who loves you and one does not ? Did you ever think this and she kept talking
First thing, I am surprised to hear you argue! From what I
have known you! I get how much stress you are going through! She asked is that
why I left Tennessee all of sudden? I said yes, smiling.
She cleared one point very upfront, if you are arguing that
means you do not value each other opinions! And you do not trust each other or
love each other yet! But that’s me, that’s how I would look at.
Not just her, even you! And I am surprised to see two mature
adults fighting on some most insignificant topics.
She went saying, I was in same situation earlier, I had a
bad experiences in my past with my partners and it took so much time to get
over with that, I used to date guys thinking I will find a better person than him,
who can love me the way I am, but we never had arguments we just had differences and we discussed and we moved over when we know we cannot change, but I kept dating couple of other guys who I thought were perfect, but we landed
up having differences anyways still and I felt the love was fading and we broke up.
After few relations I understood the value of those who
loved me so much during my dating but I was selfish I could not love them back!
All I did was take their love and expect them to change as per my terms as I never
got over my past! Which was totally foolish of me.
In a relationship the partner should know how to love each
other for what they are, if there are huge differences that cannot be sorted out, that can never be worked on and not work on long run. Until one is totally passive! which I dont think you both are!
But also know love is not just one thing, know how to forgive each other, we all fight for some silly
stuff which never makes sense cause of our ego, selfishness and arrogant
attitude at that time, but after sometime you feel, you fought for such a small
thing. You should know how to forgive each other!
She continued, I realized that I never got rid of my first
bad experience completely, so I always compared and gauged, the best people I met
and expected them to fit to my criteria for happy and perfect love. Love is not limited to you, I understood
this fact late! And it should be from both sides.
If you are madly in love with
each other, your differences never surface! Before love everything else looks
so small.
You cannot persuade her before she gets her things straight, she needs to understand that. You cannot pour your things into her life which already is filled with past memories! She needs to empty it! If she tries to take it forcefully! it will only make things worse! Which I think is happening in your case.
Differences are bound to happen, now that does not mean you keep him/her hurting her/him and
still expect the love to grow strong between you, as that does not make sense
either, cause you have your own identity. And when you realize you hurt enough you avoid it! Just as you wanted to do, of stop talking to her forever! cause you lost hope this will work! Understand her what she wants, what she expects out of you! clearly.
I told her this is what we discussed in Tennessee and I came back! And she was like hmmm!!!
And continued...
When you are fighting all time, long
term it does not work, especially since you want to share rest of your life
with her. But that’s just my opinion. I cannot invest so much time and effort
for which I don’t think where it leads to and long relationship is a different
ball game! You need more effort to make it work! And both of you should
understand this.
And one last thing, as they say we do not realize the
person’s value until he is gone but I say you always know the value but you are
too blindfolded with your selfishness to let it go (this is what happened with
me and my ex, she left me for money, her selfishness and arrogance)
When I asked how did you know, when you are ready to accept
Joseph?
When I realized the truth I did not get over my past, I gave
some time for myself I kept myself busy with work, met orphans to know what understanding,
adjusting in love means. She got carried away here, she said we are so fools
sometimes I feel, there are people who do not get love and we are one kind who
ignore the people whom we love and run for betterment. Any ways I also got involved
in masses and congregations at my church she continued.
That is when I met Joseph. I felt he loved me and accepted
me what I am, that feeling is important, he was upfront and clear on what he
wanted and expected out of me but he never forced me to fit all his expectations.
But most importantly I got over my past! I was new individual when I met
Joseph! Even though I feel this is something which repeated from my past I take
it from a fresh look!
She asked me do you remember you mentioned you always start
your day fresh! That’s how I started with Joseph!
I asked, do you fight now? Just like you did with your ex’s
We fight even now but it is not those harsh ones like my ex’s,
we fight for turns in cooking, cleaning tom’s(Chihuahua) feces, going to their
parents or mine on weekend! My friends felt we are made for each other! Reality
is we made each other in love!
She closed the discussion with few questions.
How many times you met, so far, she asked!
I said 6 times (counted in my mind Vegas, California-Yosemite,
Tennessee), she thought we met six times past 2 years. She smiled and said! How
many times you fought may be 6 times where we both got hurt equally!
Are you sure she loves you, she asked?
I said she does! I feel it
Did you ever feel change in her attitude in spite of your
inputs!
I do not know. I just
blindly love her, but I felt few times she does repeat same things, she knows I
don’t like arguments and I go angry! But without her conscience she brings all
these past examples which annoy me sometimes!
She took a big hmmm! And said I think you should just take
your time Haareee! sometimes you feel you love each other! persons in madly love can never hurt each other!
Ask her what is her plan? What is she thinking about both of
you down the line?
I only can talk as a third person here based on few in puts
you gave! But you know what is best considering your situation and she ended.
One thing I understood, based on this, I need to know her
plan! As I always wanted to! I don’t want to invest so much time and effort! Fighting
with her to show I love her and make her feel things will be fantastic. Cause that
is not going to happen in real world.
If we cannot figure out our differences, what life we shall
have long term either marriage or no marriage is a different thing but there is
no confidence carried in this relations this way.
It has been 6 months we have been talking to each other! And
all I could remember strongly is how many time I got hurt (because of either of
our foolishness) more than how many times I kissed her!
